Once in a While…

I’d like to be normal.  I know the thing people will say is “what is normal”, and I suppose that’s true – but to me, normal is being able to be more free.  Free in thought, free in spirit, free in feeling.  That may seem weird, crazy, strange, etc…but the truth is, many times when I feel completely alone, none of those things seem obtainable.

Some people may know me in life as bubbly, outgoing, adventurous, or whatever else.  It’s very seldom that I hole up inside myself when I’m with others, but it can happen.  I always fear that people will think less of me then.  I fear that no one will understand what it is, what it means, or how much energy it takes to put on a façade like that from time to time just to “fit in”.  More often than not, I feel as though I don’t belong, that I’m a third wheel, or people are just allowing me to be with them because it’s the nice thing to do.  At the same time though, many people do seem to go out of their way to make me a part of their life, and I want to return the favor, even if I feel like they might be doing it out of kindness, and not because they actually want me in their life.

The point of this post isn’t really to ask for sympathy, or to beg for help – but more of a post to maybe make people understand me a little bit better.  When I’m overly quiet, it might just be because I need a minute, or it may be that I really have no clue what to say in response to whatever just happened.  I also have struggles with simple things from time to time.  Being in a large group still really freaks me out, and I shock myself when I actually accomplish being with a group of more than about 6 people.  I shock myself when I go into a bar, or a restaurant that doesn’t have seating that’s closed off in some way, via a booth or separate small dining area. 

Sometimes, I need the space and distance from everything else in life.  I might need to sleep for 12 hours which, though it’s not normal, may make me feel better or a little bit closer to normal.  There are great days, good days, mediocre days, bad days, and really bad days.  Sometimes on mediocre days, something can be said to me that I’ll take the wrong way because of the wrong inflection in someone’s voice that will turn the day into a really bad day.

I guess sometimes, my life is a struggle and I just have to keep pushing through to find what I’m really looking for.  Maybe there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but until I find it, I’ll likely just keep struggling, and trying to walk through the mud.

Once in a while, I’d just like to know that it’ll all be ok.